Alone

At a time when the sun shines brightest, you feel the offending glare, you screen your eyes from the hurtful rays… And forget how wonderful sunshine is.

For the past week, I’ve been moping over the fact that I have already lost my unborn baby. Lost. My baby didn’t even got to the stage of developing a fetal pole (meaning his vertebrae). I got to a point when I asked myself, “Should I weep for something I never really had yet?”. It was a waste of time. The question, I mean. Because I knew that the moment I learned I was pregnant, my baby is already part of my being. And losing it, felt like losing a limb.

I’ve already gone through numerous losses in the past, they all hurt. Some, hurt more, and made me just want to end my life. But then, I wake up the next day, I’m whole again. But losing a life, within your life, is saying goodbye to something that you can never grow back. Nothing would ease the pain, not even time.

 I guess I will move on. But not forget. Never forget. I sure wish one day, I would give birth to at least one very healthy, very alive baby, and get to spend the rest of my life with him (or her)…

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Furthermore, I am going to have my civil wedding on the 28th of September. I still can’t believe it, but the monster in me actually died and is now rotting in hell. Some might say, it’s a bit too early, or that I’m still too young. I already know that, and I admit, it is early, and I’m too young. But that doesn’t make it wrong. I guess I was born to justify.

Anyway, I just wanted to vent out that I feel alone in this moment. Alone in my loneliness and alone in my happiness. It’s one thing to feel both at the same time, it’s another thing to have no one to share it with. Makes me want to feel suicidal (<— in theory, but given the expense of feeling it, I’d rather not put it into practice). I understand we all have separate lives now, my college and highschool friends. It’s just that before, when I needed them to embrace me and tell me I’m wonderful, I had them. When I needed them to knock me hard on the head and tell me I’m stupid, they were there.  But now we’re all grown up. Should I learn to tell it to myself? Should I learn how to live a life where I would have to live off my own optimism? I guess I just miss them. I miss the life I had with them….

(—-pause for tears—-)

Maybe we would all share moments with someone at one point or another…but essentially, we travel alone.